A Gripping Guide: Counselor’s Insight

words by Amber Wielkin; photos by Steyve Murray

Meet Leigh Hurley, one of the Bay’s strongest advocates for children and parents alike. Whether you like straight talk or not, she’s in the center of our silent struggles and has alot of good food for thought. In the name of moving us forward, she shares her take, Southern views, and the countless conditions that fall under the crowded umbrella that is mental health.

With a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and Counseling and as a licensed professional counselor with wide-ranging mental health experience including foster care, hospice work, private practice, court advocacy, and counseling and psych services at Tulane University, LeighHurley’s got the mental health chops to command attention and authority.When it comes to the local conversation, Leigh makes no judgment—she’s Southern, too—yet she’s witnessed some unique consistencies, saying, “Southern traditions and close communities offer so much healing and support, but when tradition, and loyalty to names, families, and institutions are held in higher esteem than what’s healthiest for individuals, they become an integral part of hurting instead of helping.

Asked how this became normalized, Leigh says, “Culturally, we’re not trained in self-care and advocating for our own mental health. The priority placed on manners, beauty, and tradition is rich in relationship and value, but what about when our experiences and what’s validated as acceptable are limited? You suffer, your children suffer, and generations suffer. For example, not addressing unhealthy family patterns, toxic family members, or harboring family secrets only perpetuates suffering, as does being limited to certain friend groups, schools, churches, clothes, sports, and hobbies because of strict unspoken rules of what’s acceptable.While it may work for some, it’s stifling and damaging to others, especially children given no choices.”

In terms of acknowledgement or getting help, it seems our community has polarized perceptions. “On one hand, it’s okay to struggle if it’s discussed in a spiritual context, like offering a prayer request or taking a marital or family problem to a pastor. On the other hand, pursuing professional help can seem ‘next level’ and implies there must be serious problems, which often fuels hurtful gossip. The reality is that there’s no problem too big or small precluding people benefiting from professional help—even in addition to spiritual guidance.It shouldn’t cause alarm; crisis shouldn’t be the norm for seeking help.I long for people to understand that everyone who walks through our door —hard-working moms, dads, children, teenagers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, businesspeople —is someone living their life who just wants help with their struggles. As in everything, someare struggling more than others. Just like our physical health fares better when we maintain it ,the same is true for our mental health,” Leigh concludes.

A true advocate, Leigh and her husband Andrew founded Hurley Counseling & Associates in Mobile and Fairhope, where they have an A-list team.“Our practice includes a PhD psychologistand specialists for eating disorders, trauma, family andmarriage therapy, as well asclinicians specifically trained to work with children of all ages,” Leigh details. “To ensure the best results,our clinicians utilize evidence-based measures to treat patients in each area, with specific attention to anxiety, depression, and other diagnoses such as ADHD and substance abuse. We look forward to bringing in a psychiatric nurse practitioner in the near future to prescribe and manage medications, when necessary,” she reports.

This was edited for length. The full article and interview can be found in the November 2021 issue of ACCESS Magazine.

Leigh’s Mental Health Parenting Guide + Tips

This spirited insider breaks down some of the Bay’s most pressing parenting topicsand serves them with a smile and a strong cup of wake-up-and-engage how to’s.

Brain Development in Children & Teens. Understanding a child’s developmental stage at each agecan ease the anxiety of parenting. For example, infants’ brains aren’t complex enough to manipulate, but without that understanding, it can feel like your infant is “too needy.” The “terrible twos and threes” are a result of the brain developing by exploring the concept of autonomy. Those tantrums toddlers have aren’t because your child is defiant or you’re a bad parent; it’s simply part of how they learn boundaries, safety, sharing, and disappointment. In the teen years, it’s crucial parents comprehend that the frontal lobe of the human brain isn’t fully developed until about 25 years old.An underdeveloped frontal lobe (or one damaged by addiction to substances, pornography, or social media) can cause a teen to struggle with impulse control and often exhaust their parents. This is one reason teenagers struggle to be consistent with their convictions, interests, and friendships.It’s also why teenagers speed, make poor decisions “in the moment,”and communicate in ways that are definitively bad for themselves and others.Parenting: Know Yourself, Know Your ChildThe best gift we can give our children is twofold.First, working through our own wounds and issues (we all have them) so we don’t project them onto our kids or parent from a place of weakness is the most precious gift. Self-awareness, not perfection, and knowing and taking responsibility for our struggles is priceless. Second, being open to honest feedback from trusted teachers and friends about how your child is experienced is also a gift. I encourage every parent to ask their child’s teacher, “Who is my child at school? Are they shy, mean, loud, kind, assertive, passive? Is my child the bully?” Our children, like us, are imperfect and will struggle; accepting honest feedback is crucialto shaping your parenting approach.

Social Media: Hard Facts The digital leash —my term to describe our digital culture—has most adults (and now children) tethered to their phones and computers. Like a dog on a leash, we’re guided, led, pulled, and controlled; it’s very difficult to escape.Remember, parenting is hard. Finding like-minded parents is incredibly helpful, but not always possible. Try enlisting friends and even your school to create a plan for timed breaks.Educate yourself on the damage the internet and social media arecausing. We’re big advocates of watching “The Social Dilemma” with your child to open the communication lines around responsible and safe use. The Netflix movie (available on YouTube) expertly explains the dangerous impact of social networking, which Big Tech uses to manipulate user addiction. Knowing the average teen is online a minimum of nine hours a day means parents simply can’t compete with its influence.The internet does and will shape your child’s self-worth, relationships, and moral compass.And not for the better. For every social media user, there’s a direct relationship between frequency and declines in mental health. The average age a child sees pornography is 8 years old. More chilling data reveals teen rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide have tripled with its introduction, and the stats on eating disorders and porn addiction are worse. Harrowing statistics don’t lie. The damage is in every home. If it sounds dramatic, experts agree (and research shows) adults and children are addicted. This is why parenting the use of phones and social media often feels (but isn’t) impossible. If you check social media or email while driving, you’ve also reached addiction status.It’s challenging for an actively struggling addict to have credibility in giving guidance or advice to another addict.

Parents, Children, & Phones We can do better, and I’m a cheerleader for parents wanting help. First, address your own issues. The cultural pressure to get your child a phone and allow social media is fierce, so navigate it from the start. You’ll hear lots of “I’m the only kid without one,”but they’ll survive. I can guarantee worse battles if you allow it before they’re ready. Once in eighth grade, at the earliest, a phone with significant restrictions can safely be introduced for some children. First consider the levels of trust and communication between you, the child’s comfort level in asking for help, and how well the child responds to restrictions and electronic boundaries. Remember, a screen will never give your child what human interaction, play, and nature can. Young children don’t need endless video games or screen pacifiers at restaurants; they need to learn how to “be bored,” wait patiently, order a meal, make eye contact, and absorb the world around them. The less screen time your child has, the more they will thrive in this world. If your child is already overusing or addicted, simply take it away and reset.If they need to communicate with you, consider an internet-and app-free phone like GABB wireless or your cellular provider can help you shut down the internet feature on the phone. For teens who claim friends only communicate through messaging, there are likely other concerns that need addressing. Again, start by modeling your own healthy relationship and engage your child through eye contact, playing with them, and have electronics-free family time.Be curious —ask what it’s like growing up in this social media world. Ask them how they’re holding up.

No More Shame If your child has SnapChat, TikTok, or Instagram, there is a 100 percent chance they’ll be exposed to pornography and solicited for nudes by friends and strangers. Research which apps are age-appropriate and which are simply destructive at all ages. Understanding the risks and dangers of social media and porn addiction and removing the shame is vital. Often our own discomfort in talking about sex makes this hard, but normalizing the struggle through open conversation will make it easier for them to ask for help if the future.Our children are not perverted because they’re curious. Their curiosity about sex is not the problem. The pornography industry intentionally targets children and teens with full knowledge these images are addictive to the human brain; it’s not the child’s fault, but it ruins lives. We must face what’s being thrown at our children and do better at educating and empowering them to fight for their own health. I recommend making a doable and shameless action plan for when they see pornography, are solicited, or feel vulnerable. As parents, we mus tgive our kids the tools to confidently engage in the world without our oversight.

Birds & Bees Conversations about genitalia, safety, and sex are different conversations needed at each developmental stage. Many parents enter these conversations with their own sexual history and shame, but kids don’t perceive their bodies as yucky or shameful unless someone has made it so for them. Our bodies are amazing and it’s crucial children understand their private parts aren’t shameful; they’re sacred, private, and to be protected.Avoid being dramatic, take a deep breath, and anchor yourself with some helpful books that can guide you and your child. Remember, if you don’t teach them, the internet or another kid will! If paralyzed by the subject, ask for help from a professional so you can empower yourself to best parent your child’s view of their body and sexuality.

Bullying One of the unintended consequences of the anti-bullying movement is that children are desensitized to what it truly means. Children and parents alike must understand there’s a healthy degree of conflict and banter between children at various ages that’s normal.For example, kids will get hurt feelings, face social disappointments, and feel left out on occasion. But no one should feel pressure to be friends with everyone and it’s not our children's job to be playground therapists. It’s healthy for children to attach to a handful of peers and have a preference aboutwhom they want to spend time with.It’s not bullying to not invite everyone to a birthday partyor sleepover. Helping our children develop resilience and to locate peers they truly enjoy versus the pursuit of fitting in with those who don’t include them is challenging but necessary for their self-esteem and happiness. Otherwise, they fall prey to a victim mentality, where challenges are interpreted through a lens of chronic rejection. In contrast, parents and children alike must understand that any deliberate act to be unkind or cruel is, in fact, bullying. Name calling, antagonizing, and poking fun online or in person is definitively cruel and should be met with firm consequences. Bullying is emotional abuse and it damages the psyche of the child experiencing it. Emotionally desensitized by screen overuse, children are now more negligent with their words and actions and many have lost the capacity for empathy or to intuitively recognize how their words and behaviors affect others.

Anxiety Disorder While we all feel anxious sometimes, an anxiety disorder is a diagnosis where the patient has pervasive symptoms which interfere with their ability to function and relate to others.It’s easily the most common mental health issue we observe and treat. Symptoms vary, but include racing and ruminating thoughts, inability to concentrate, excessive need to control one’s environment and others, persistent worry, avoidance of social gatherings, racing heart, sweaty palms, stomachaches, and nervous habits such as nail biting or picking. It can’t be “turned off”and if symptoms don’t ease with self-talk, prayer, exercise, and other disciplined efforts, professional help is necessary; it’s very treatable with evidence-based treatment.DepressionLike anxiety, depression is far more complex than having a bad day or a negative outlook. It’s a serious medical condition that interferes with a person’s ability to function. A depressed brain lacks the necessary chemicals to motivate oneself. Onecan’t will themselves out of it any more than a blind person can will their eyes to see. Symptoms includeanxiety, apathy, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, and mood swings. Also, many are easily agitated, have fluctuating sleep and eating patterns, and effectively disguise their symptoms to loved ones and peers. Anxiety and depression aren’t one-size-fits-all, but each person who suffers deserves relief. Professional help is crucial, as many recover through effective treatments.

PTSD & Trauma We most commonly think of combat soldiers when we hear PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), but trauma affects people from all walks of life. Long-term stress, humiliation, hopelessness, or threats to safety in toxic relationships, jobs, andfamily dynamics are contributing factors. For some, an actual or perceived life-threatening event (or witnessing one) can evoke a trauma response in one’s mind and body. Common symptoms include intrusive thoughts of distressing memories and images, sleep disturbance, mood swings, seemingly random anxiety and panic, fatigue, and nightmares. Rest, dedicated time to process one’s experience, forcing an enjoyable activity, and disengaging from social media are primary ways to offset risks of PTSD.Seeking professional help from a therapist or neuro feedback (or both) is incredibly useful and proven to offset risks and even heal symptoms.

Teen Suicide I stand by my assertion that social media is primarily responsible for the alarming rise in teen suicide. Kids’ personalities and ability to develop meaningful relationships have been hijacked. They’re lonely and seeking solace by looking at pornography and other people’s filtered lives and bodies. They can talk and share their naked bodies with friends and strangers online, but they don’t know how to converse over a meal while making eye contact with a human being. Humans can’t thrive without emotional and physical connection with other humans.Our kids are starved for true peer and parent connections. Again, as parents are more disconnected, scrolling instead of engaging as our teens are coached into low self-esteem by the “I’ll never be good enough” propaganda on the internet means it’s time to tune in.Yes, teen behaviors can be a mystery, but loss of interest in activities, inability to name things they enjoy, changes in appetite, isolating, a shift in grades, and any mention of suicide or suicidal thoughts are signs that your child needs professional help immediately.Skip the shame and have a mental health clinician assess your child’s status and guide you to the proper care.

Parting Advice There’s no one-size-fits-all parenting guide toensure our kids will grow up to behappy and productive. My No. 1 tip is to look at yourself and consider which issues are getting in the way of your perspective on your children and what’s best for them. Caring for yourself and addressing your own issues is the purest and most powerful gift we can give our children.

To work with Leigh and her team, contact Hurley Counseling & Associates, LLC in one of their two locations:

1327 Springhill Avenue Mobile, AL 22873 and

U.S. Highway 98 Fairhope, AL 251.222.8880

Hurley-Counseling.com