Middle-Aged, A DIRTY WORD?
What does the term middle-aged mean and why should we care? If you’re middle-aged like me, chances are you know exactly what it implies. To me, it sometimes feels like a dirty word and even carries connotations of shame in spite of the fact aging is natural. Knowing this is nuts, I want to vent. How about you?
By Hayley Hill
Those who know me will agree, I’m straightforward, driven, and curious about everything. And aging is no exception. Part of creating this issue was about confronting (and hopefully loosening) the grip of society’s implied expectations and being real-life female human beings, especially as we age. Researching middle- age, most of what I read was negative. Why I am I so frustrated? I have the receipts.
For starters? Men. While I can’t over-emphasize that I’m happily single, I go places and I watch people. I often see men my age (54) and older with a beautiful younger woman on their arm. And this just burns me up at times on behalf of my incredible single friends who would entertain the idea of gentleman caller, yet they’re overlooked. I get it. Often the man has financial means and it’s an honest money-for-youth trade. Everyone’s happy. And I even know couples with an age gap that indeed seem meant for each other.
That said, my gal pals and I have continually noticed that the eyes of our uncoupled male counterparts never meet ours as they survey a room. Never. I think to myself, “Hey, Mr. Man, I see your wrinkles and lack of follicles, and you’re clearly not wearing Spanx,” and I turn on my heels in a self-righteous cloud of glory before being ignored by said Mr. Man. But feeling self-righteous gets me nowhere. I’m disgruntled because I can’t change society’s view of what’s acceptable for a man’s appearance being simply unacceptable for a woman’s appearance. I mean, how dare women age, right? Men, listen up, you’re old, too.
Do you know there’s actually a name for this? It’s called the Invisible Woman Syndrome. I read a great article by Julie Hunter that confirms my feelings. She shares, “A survey that studied 2,000 women revealed that by the time they reach the age of 51, many women believed they had become invisible to men. Only 15% of the women felt that they had high or very high confidence in any area of their lives and 46% thought no one understood or addressed what aging and older women go through.” That’s beyond tragic. And it goes way beyond romance opportunities. Raise your hand if you’ve been treated like an idiot by the all-knowing tech set. Ever left a phone store crying? I have. I fear if I live too long, I’ll starve since I won’t know how to work my refrigerator. Between the smug disposition and blank stares, I want to scream. What, no patience? Walk a mile in my shoes, geek squad. But alas, I need them. I just hate they know it. And, techies, shame on you. What you don’t know is that you’ll be out-teched one day, too.
As a long-time editor and stylist, I’ve created the stories, walked the Hollywood red carpets, and attended celebrity- studded events. Saying our culture is youth-obsessed is an understatement. It’s baffling that we’re instructed by (and comparing ourselves to) women who are mostly under 30 and have every age-fighting advantage along with $10K in hair extensions. Heck, peruse any beauty product aisle and you’re slammed with products that diminish you with labels that shout “anti” and “hide.” Yet I find myself intoxicated by all of it as I gleefully stock up on the jars and bottles of hope promising not only a youthful glow, but a more fulfilling life, too. Talk about a love-hate relationship.
From television to social media, I feel like I’m constantly sent the subliminal message younger is better over and over to the point I feel like my head will explode. Yet I keep going back for more. The good news is that many celebrities from the And, Just Like That... cast to Valerie Bertinelli and Justine Bateman are speaking up. I was almost brought to tears of joy and sadness, as I watched Valerie discuss her book Enough Already: Learning to Love the Way I Am Today in a recent interview on the Drew Barrymore show. Her emotional confession about the war she waged against herself as she tried to fit into the unachievable Hollywood mold covers everything from weight to aging and is a must- read.
I keep hearing 40 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 50 and so on, but is it because we’re practically killing ourselves to look at least ten years younger than we are? And this is coming from someone who backs those that choose to fight the good fight to feel good about themselves. I don’t want to lose all those good feelings that come from self-care but can we get a little break here? Imagine the pressure on our daughters. So, yeah, Hollywood, throw us an age-balanced bone from time to time, would you?
The big question is why women who accomplish so much hate ourselves if we don’t look at least look somewhat good for our age? The shame, no matter how secret, is unbearable. So many women I know are not only raising or launching grown children, they’re also caring for elderly parents while working, running a home, putting meals on the table, and memorizing each family member’s entire calendar to ensure uniforms are clean, doctors are seen, fun is had, and so much more.
Why is there so little value drawn from these achievements while so much is attached to she looks good for her age? Is agelessness our only means to measure? These women are rock stars and superheroes and yet many have little to no self-esteem because of something as silly as crow’s feet or sagging breasts. These women should have statues and be celebrated with ticker-tape parades.
On a roll here, I have to also admit I hate the word “perfect” because it sets us up for failure. I call it the P-word. For most, perfection is unobtainable or unsustainable unless they really do have superpowers, and it tends to be overrated. Our need to be and make everything perfect robs us of our joy and leaves us feeling depleted.
I’m reminded of those perfect children’s birthday parties the child will not remember insisted upon by the I’ll-show- them-who-does-it-better host. Not fun! Is that us competing against each other? Perfect also applies to how society dictates how women should act and be. Minimize your needs so you can be perfectly pleasant. Hit the treadmill for another three hours so you can be perfectly acceptable. Don’t speak too directly so you can be perfectly agreeable, and the list goes on.
Seeking perfection simply puts women in the perfect pressure cooker. It takes our focus off what’s truly important as we chase the impossible. And hey, I’m guilty here, too. For much of my life, I tried to fit the mold. In the South, we like a good mold. (Hello, ambrosia salad!) With a deep love for all things beautiful and short on time, I pause to consider if the scale of what’s enjoyable has been tipped to exhaustive misery-making at our own hands.
If you want to blow your own mind in regards to how we even got here, check out This Changes Everything by Geena Davis on Netflix. Apparently, she’s not only an icon but she’s Mensa-level brilliant. In this documentary, she puts science behind the impact of the images we’ve all been raised with and how they affect our behaviors and beliefs. And again, the point is to be open-minded to contemplating information that might reveal aspects of our own mindset that could be working against our own happiness. Thankfully, that skill comes with age!
As a young woman, I imagined how I would age gracefully. But now, faced with the reality of aging, it’s a different story. Talking to and hearing from other women that have similar feelings has been liberating. It’s even somewhat removed the dirty word preface from the term middle-aged and made me realize that we must stop the insanity. If not us, then who? So, my middle-agers, while I don’t have all the answers, if we refuse to be invisible, speak our truths more often, and even shift conversations from a woman’s appearance to her accomplishments one at a time, don’t you think we can help change the narrative for ourselves and our daughters? If for no other reason than turning down negative self-talk and the dread of aging, I, for one, am all in.
